


He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

by nimiumcaelo



Category: Raffles - E. W. Hornung
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 05:09:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15041444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimiumcaelo/pseuds/nimiumcaelo
Summary: It takes Raffles some time to confess.





	He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

The first time he said it, I was not surprised. It was unseemly for a schoolboy to be sentimental, but I had seen many times before that he did not think himself above such things. It was somewhat reassuring, in that one always wishes to hear it. However, I disdained his youth and thought it was simply a byproduct of his first true friendship. I had no intimation he could be as truly in earnest as I now know he was.

I had just set foot on the train that would separate us for years, perhaps entire lifetimes. He had started crying several minutes ago and his face was by now miserable and tear-stained. I grasped his hand one last time.

“Really, Bunny,” I chastised over the hum of the crowd, “you mustn’t get so upset about it. I shall still write to you and perhaps you may see me again sometime. This is not goodbye forever.”

He held my hand tightly as his expression crumpled. “You know that isn’t true, Raffles. Once you leave I shan’t ever see you again. I’m not a fool.”

“I never said you were.”

He bit his lip. After a moment of hesitation, he asked, “Would you really write to me?” His eyes were so pure and naive at that moment. I detested them. In my juvenile folly, I thought of them as fetters. Perhaps the mistakes of one’s youth can be forgiven, if one has since learned otherwise.

“Of course I will,” I promised, only half-believing in my own sincerity. “As often as you will stand it.”

A small smile fought its way onto his face. “Every day, then? It will take very much for me to get sick of you, Raffles.”

I laughed, disbelieving him. “Surely that cannot be true. After about a month you shall tire of my scribblings. I shall be a stuffy old bore.”

“Not you! You’ll never be a bore, not to me.” A resolve seemed to come into him, and he added, “You couldn’t—I—love you. I love you.”

He said it so quietly that I was the only one to hear. I fear I did not respond as he must have hoped I would.

“Well, naturally!” I said, brutishly coarse. “But you shall love others, as well, perhaps more.” The whistle blew and people began to push past me onto the train. “Bunny, see here. I must leave and you must stay. You know this. You will have a marvelous time these next few years and you will forget all about me. I know it.”

He shook his head, yet I continued.

“Soon, you will have a fag of your own to boss around. Won’t you be happy not having to clean my bats, for once?”

The whistle blew once more. I let go of his hand. The train began to move, slowly.

“Raffles!” he cried, struggling to keep up as the train picked up speed. “Goodbye! Raffles! Write to me! Don’t forget!”

I waved, smiling. “Goodbye, Bunny! Good luck!”

His face as I disappeared remained etched into my memory.

 

~

 

The second time was more unexpected. We had recently begun sharing in this other set of criminal activities, yet somehow I still did not think of it as intimacy. His words startled and disquieted me and I confess I again did not respond as I should have.

We were walking to the Albany from our club, arm in arm, with my eyes trained on the stars more often than not. It was a quiet night, without many others enjoying the air. I didn’t think much of it then, but Bunny had rather held off from his usual drink that evening. Perhaps he had been planning.

“A.J.,” he murmured, as we passed over a bridge.

“Yes, Bunny?”

His arm tightened in mine momentarily. “You know that I love you, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course,” I responded. _No, not at all_ , was what I really meant.

Bunny seemed to wait a moment, but continued when I persisted in silence. “Well, I only wished to make certain that you knew it.” He smiled at me and I felt myself fill with a heavy dread. I returned the smile nonetheless and Bunny gained a springier step as we continued onwards.

Later that night, curled against him, I pondered over his words. Had he felt obligated to say them, given our activities? Or, perhaps, was he hoping to secure his position in my confidences?  Neither was necessary, and yet…

I wondered  over these things and several others  throughout that night , never hitting upon the simple truth of the matter. Such was my fate, I suppose. At least  my Bunny was none the wiser.

 

~

 

There were many more insignificant repetitions of this sentiment from him throughout the years that followed. He would say it in the mornings, during tea, and in the glittering midnight hours that were ours alone to play in. It took me rather a lot longer to say it back.

It was not any special occasion, but perhaps it is better that it was not.  We had been bicycling around the neighborhood that morning, and as he retired with a book to the cottage for the afternoon, I busied myself in the garden. It had been quite a long time since I was able to be out in the sunshine and I enjoyed it immensely. Several bees flew around me as I tended the flowers. A great contentment was settling into my mind and I felt each blush of nature more intimately than I had for years. Everything seemed romantic. Perhaps I even hummed, I do not quite recall.

When I returned to the cottage, several choice blossoms in hand, I found Bunny still recumbent upon the settee. I bent and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Oh, those flowers are lovely,” he mentioned, catching sight of them. “What’s the occasion?”

A smile stole its way onto my face. “None. I love you. Must there be an occasion? It’s a beautiful day and you are beautiful, my dear Bunny.”

He laughed. “The sun must be getting to your head.”

I set the flowers aside.  “Oh, Bunny, never,” I gasped, catching his hand. I brought it to my lips and kissed it. “ I am in complete earnestness. Never have I been more clearheaded. You are simply intoxicating today, that is all.”

My dear Bunny blushed prettily at the words. “That’s the first time you’ve said it, you know.”

“Said what, my rabbit?” I was somewhat distracted by him.

“That you love me."

It was my turn to blush. “Well, it’s true. I do love you.”

“Do you? Do you only now, or have you for some time?”

I had thought this confession should have been shameful or humiliating. I had thought I would regret admitting it, that I would wish I could go back to before I had committed myself.

I had thought wrongly. The admission came easily. “For perhaps just as long as you have.”

He smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


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